Love & Logic

Normally my work with the family I am living with is mainly to maintain the household duties that interfere w/their one-on-one parenting.  This includes keeping 2 floors of large living space neat and organized as well as keeping up on laundry and dishes, while also being an extra set of eyes, ears and hands for the 3 young children, ages 1, 3 & 4.  My hours are certainly 1-7P Monday through Friday.  Additionally I do some one-on-one babysitting: 1 year old Abigail while the boys go to Awana's, giving John and Wendi a chance to have an entire 2 hour uninterrupted conversation; as well as occasional babysitting one or two kids, while she has an appointment or runs errands with one or two.  The moment John comes down from changing his clothes after work, Abigail begins screaming until dinner is ready.  Wendi has been "on" usually since 6A, so after 12 hours, her wherewithall has pretty much up and went - so I help with distracting Abigail, usually taking her outside (the only thing that makes her happy).  Additionally, Wendi, without cognition uses that same time slot to tell John about her day, check her computer, open mail, etal. and the boys are excited that dad is home & hungry - and suddenly everyone's talking over each other and Abigail's screaming.  I think I'm actually grateful that it works so well for Abigail to go outside :)!  After 5 weeks of this daily ritual, without cognition and laughing, I inadvertently trapped John in the laundry room, asking in slightly too high pitched of a voice, "Rather than talking and doing right NOW when the kids want ALL of your attention @ a volume I did not realize was possible to tune-out....do you think you could save it for when all the kids are in bed and you're sitting across the room from each other, each on your separate computers NOT talking to each other - do you think you can save all of THIS talking for THEN?!?!"  To wit, John just stood expressionless until I was done and just as I was realizing I may have come off a tad maniacal, he smirked and called to Wendi (hiding in her office), "Well thanks a lot for leaving me to that rampage." and quietly walked away.  Moments later, Wendi asked him something to which John answered, "Sorry Wendi, apparently we're not allowed to talk until the kids are in bed."  A little later, I heard mumbled voices in the other room and as I passed, asked, "you're not trying to have a conversation right now are you?" 

So, from my position all throughout the house, I hear how they parent and Wendi has shared a lot of the information from the book I'm "featuring" below.  It works like a charm and is so much more empowering to the kids than anything else I've observed.  I WISH I'd had this book 21 years ago!  But I as I do my best to support and be consistent with their method, by implementing it with my interactions with the kids, I know that these are still powerful tools for listening to my grown boys.  Though my real parenting "job" is pretty much over - when I'm asked for my opinion or advice, there are adaptations hereto that would be far better than feeling compelled to fix or protect.  I can't recommend this book enough!

Living the book Parenting with Love & Logic by Foster Cline & Jim Fay. 

THE CONSULTANT PARENT must:

• allow for failures and help our kids make the most of them during their elementary school days, when the price tags are still reasonable.
• remember that the price a child pays today to learn about friendships, school, learning, commitment, decision making, and responsibility is the cheapest it will ever be. Little children can make many mistakes at affordable prices. Usually all they’re out is some temporary pain and a few tears.
• remind yourself that the older a child gets, the bigger the decisions become and the graver the consequences of those decisions.
• not think that the cost of teaching our little tykes to make decisions it too high. “I love him. I don’t want little Johnny to learn the hard way," will mean little Johnny will do just that.
• help teach our kids through natural consequences (significant learning opportunities or SLOs).
• remember that pain is part of the price we must pay to raise responsible kids.
• allow their children to fail -- to stand back, however painful it may be, and let SLOs build our children.
• offer our children opportunities to be responsible. That’s the key. Parents who raise responsible kids spend very little time and energy worrying about their kids’ responsibilities; they worry more about how to let the children encounter SLOs for the irresponsibility. 
• be involved with their kids, certainly, lovingly using good judgment as to when their children are ready to learn the next level of life’s lessons.
• Children's mistakes are their opportunities! Oftentimes we impede our kids’ growth. We put ourselves exactly where we shouldn’t be: in the middle of their problems. Parents who take on their kids’ problems do them a great disservice. They rob their children of the chance to grow in responsibility, and they actually foster further irresponsible behavior.

RESPONSIBLE CHILDREN FEEL GOOD ABOUT THEMSELVES
Children with a poor self-concept often forget to do homework, bully other kids, argue with teachers and parents, steal, and withdraw into themselves whenever things get rocky—irresponsible in all they do. Children with a good self-concept tend to have a lot of friends, do their chores regularly, and don’t get into trouble in school—they take responsibility as a matter of course in their daily lives.

When parenting with Love and Logic, we strive to offer our children a chance to develop that needed positive self-concept. The building of a person’s self-concept can be compared to building a three-legged table. Such a table will stand only when all three supports are strong. If any one of the legs is weak, the table will wobble and rock.

Our children’s three-legged table of self-concept is built through the implied messages we give. These messages either build them up and allow them to succeed by themselves or add to childhood discouragement and reduced self-esteem.

• Leg One: I am loved by the “magic people” in my life. Strong, effective parents say in both their covert and overt messages, “There’s a lot of love here for you regardless of the way you act or do your work at school or anyplace else.” When this love is combined with pats on the back, hugs, a smile, and eye contact, a tight bond is created between parent and child.
• Leg Two: I have the skills I need to make it. Each child must feel he or she can compete with other kids in the classroom, on the ball field, at home—anywhere kids interact. Children must know that within themselves are the necessary ingredients to handle life and that they have the abilities to succeed.
• Leg Three: I am capable of taking control of my life. Many parents tell their children they expect them to be responsible for themselves, yet these same parents are forever informing their kids when they are hot, cold, hungry, thirsty, or tired, or even when they need to go to the bathroom. We’ve all heard these messages:
  • “Put on your coat. It’s too cold for you to be going out without it.”
  • “You can’t be hungry. We just ate an hour ago.”
  • “Sit down and be quiet. You don’t need another drink.”
  • “Be sure to use the bathroom before we leave.”

Each of these message tells children they are not capable of thinking for themselves, that they cannot take control of their life and make decisions.

Kids get the most out of what they accomplish for themselves. Children will get more out of making their own decision -- even if it is wrong -- than they will out of parents making that decision for them. Sometimes that means standing by as our kids struggle to complete a task we could easily help them with or do for them.

They must know we love them whether they succeed or not, and we can support and encourage them along the way as long as we don’t take their efforts away from them. By letting our kids work their way through age-appropriate tough times when they are younger, we are preparing them to effectively face truly tough times down the road.

Kids who develop an attitude that says, I can probably find my own solutions, become survivors. They have an edge in learning, relating to others, and making their way in the world. That’s because the best solution to any problem lies within the skin of the person who owns the problem.

THE TWO PRINCIPLES OF LOVE & LOGIC
Over the years, we have used two principles to guide what we wanted Love and Logic to be: the first was that it had to be as effective as possible, and the second was that we wanted to keep it as simple as possible so that parents could remember it even in the midst of highly emotional times. Because of this, we have summarized the Love and Logic method in two simple rules that will help you do all that we have discussed so far:

1. Adults must set firm, loving limits using enforceable statements without showing anger, lecturing, or using threats. This is often best done by giving choices that are within your firm, loving limits. Here are a few examples:

• “Please feel free to join us for dinner when your room is clean.”
• “Would you prefer to wear something nice to church or go in your pajamas?”
• “Feel free to join us in the living room to watch some television once your chores are finished.”

Make sure that you are willing to enforce whatever choices you give. It won’t take too many times of following through on the less desirable choice before your child will understand that either option is truly acceptable to you and that you will carry it out. (This is something, I, personally, am constantly asking myself before I offer a consequence. Is this a consequence I am willing to follow through on? If it isn't, I don't offer it.)

2. When a child causes a problem, the adult shows empathy through sadness and sorrow and then lovingly hands the problem and its consequences back to the child. This reinforces that the parent will not take ownership of the problems or consequences caused by their children’s bad choices but will gladly love them through solving those problems for themselves and dealing with those consequences.

To repeat: The best solution to any problem lies within the skin of the person who rightfully owns the problem.

SETTING LIMITS THROUGH THINKING WORDS

Just because we recommend that parents shy away from issuing orders and imposing their solutions on their kids’ problems does not mean we give license to all sorts of misbehavior. Nothing could be further from the truth. Neither of us is in any way soft on misbehavior.

True, we allow our kids to mess up, and we don’t drive home the lesson of their misdeeds with our words. We are slow to lecture; we never actually tell our kids what they have just learned. We believe telling our kids what to think is counterproductive.

So if we don’t order our kids around, how do we talk to them? How do we set limits on their behavior without telling them what to do?

Love and Logic parents insist on respect and obedience, just as command-oriented parents do. But when Love and Logic parents talk to their children, they take a different approach. Instead of the fighting words of command-oriented parents, they use thinking words.

Thinking words -- used in question form and expressed in enforceable statements—are one of the keys to parenting with Love and Logic. They place the responsibility for thinking and decision making on the children.

That’s why, from early childhood on, parents must always be asking thinking questions:

• “Would you rather carry your coat or wear it?”
• “Would you rather play nicely in front of the television or be noisy in your room?”

We don’t use fighting words:

• You put that coat on now!”
• “I’m trying to watch this football game, so be quiet!”

Fighting words invite disobedience. When we use them, we draw a line in the sand and dare our kids to cross it. They will fight the limits we impose when we use fighting words.

By using thinking words we are able to set limits on our children’s behavior without telling them what to do. For instance, if we want the lawn mowed before they eat their next meal, we set that limit by offering them a choice: of mowing the lawn and eating, or of not doing the lawn and not eating.
Using enforceable thinking words, giving choices, displaying no anger—these are the ingredients for establishing firm limits with our kids.

GAINING CONTROL THROUGH CHOICES

Giving even the smallest children a certain amount of freedom and control over their lives instills in them the sense of responsibility and maturity we want them to have. Independence helps children learn about the real world as their wisdom grows from the results of their decisions.

However, there is a downside: We can give our kids too much control, and kids with too much control are not pleasant to be around. They’re brats.

What, then, is the right amount of control to give children?

The secret to establishing control is to concentrate on fighting battles that we know we can win. That means we must select the issues very carefully. We must pick areas where we do have control over our kids. Then we must offer choices in those areas.

We may not be able to make Emma eat when she’s at the table -- that’s an unwinnable battle -- but we can control whether she’s at the table or not. We may not be able to control when Justin does his chores, but we can make sure he does them before he eats his next meal. We may not be able to control the disrespectful words that pop out of Alyssa’s mouth, but we can make sure she doesn’t use them in our presence -- we send her away until she can speak reasonably with us.

We cannot afford to demand blind obedience to our every wish. When faced with such demands, kids dig in their heels and hold out for their own values -- and that’s a control battle we’ll lose every time.

One reason choices work is that:

• they create situations in which children are forced to think. Kids are given options to ponder, courses of action to choose. They must decide.
• choices provide opportunities for children to make mistakes and learn from the consequences. With every wrong choice the children make, the punishment comes not from us but from the world around them.
• they hep us avoid getting into control battles with our children. Finally choices provide our children with opportunities to hear that we trust their thinking abilities, thus building their self-confidence and the relationship between us and them.

In summary, as we offer choices to our kids, we should remember five basic points:

1. Always be sure to select choices that you as a parent like and can live with. Don’t provide one you like and one you don’t, because the child will usually select the one you don’t like.
2. Never give a choice unless you are willing to allow the child to experience the consequences of that choice.
3. Never give choices when the child is in danger.
4. Always give only two verbal choices, but make sure the child knows there is an implied third choice: If he doesn’t decide then you’ll decide for him.
5. Your delivery is important. Try to start your sentence with one of the following:

• “You’re welcome to _____ or _____.”
• “Feel free to _____ or _____.”
• “Would you rather _____ or _____?”
• “What would be best for you— _____ or _____?”

The Recipe for Success: Empathy with Consequences
As children misuse their power and control, unwise parents show frustration, anger, and often plead. Wise parents allow natural and imposed consequences to do the teaching. And they are empathetic.
When we send kids to bed early because they sassed us, we are doling out punishment. When children tote home all Ds and Fs on a report card and we rescind television privileges for two months, we are not allowing the consequences of mistakes to do the teaching.

The best consequences are those that fall naturally. If Aubrey is a nuisance at the dinner table and chooses to play on the floor rather than eat nicely at the table, then it only makes sense that she’ll be hungry at bedtime. If Seth continually neglects his schoolwork and brings home failing grades, then staying back a grade makes sense. Naturally falling consequences allow the cause and effect of our children’s actions to register in their brains. When they ask themselves, Who is making me hurt like this? their only answer is, Me.

But these consequences put a painful, sinking feeling into our stomachs as parents. They’re exactly the things we don’t want to happen to our children. Dylan gets cold when he doesn’t wear his jacket. Samantha gets hungry when she goes to bed without eating. We are tempted to remind them of the pain of cold and the misery of hunger. But if we want the consequences to do their work effectively, we cannot afford to take that luxury.

While naturally occurring consequences are best, occasionally our children’s actions don’t lend themselves to such consequences. In those cases, we must impose consequences ourselves.
When no consequences occur naturally, the imposed consequences must: 

• be enforceable,
• fit the “crime,” and
• be laid down firmly in love.

Sometimes these imposed consequences look conspicuously like punishments. But when imposed without anger and threats, and when presented to our children in a way that the connection between their misbehavior and the consequences is made plain, they are quite effective.

We don’t get angry, we don’t say, “I told you so,” and we don’t sit our kids down and lecture them about their errors. If we did those things, we would be impeding the logic of the consequences from doing their thing. The child’s anger would be directed toward us and not toward the lesson the consequences teach.

The thing that drives the lesson into our children’s hearts after they make a mistake is our empathy and sadness. Our love for them reigns supreme. And a foul-up, regardless of how serious on their part, doesn’t change anything. They must be told that message continually.

They may be having a hard time with their lives, they may have made a mistake and will have to live with the consequences, but we’re in their corner and love them just the same. Empathy about the consequences shows our kids that kind of love. It allows the logic of the consequences to do the teaching.

INEFFECTIVE vs. EFFECTIVE TECHNIQUES
Ineffective Technique (IT): "Please sit down. We are going to eat."
Love and Logic Technique (LLT): "We will eat as soon as you are seated."

IT: "Don't shout at me."
LLT: "I listen to people who do not yell at me."

IT: "Pay attention."
LLT: "I'll start again as soon as I know you are with me."

IT: "I'm not loaning you anymore money."
LLT: "I lend money to those who have collateral."

IT: "You're not going out without your coat."
LLT: "You may go out as soon as you have your coat."

IT: "Get this room cleaned up right now."
LLT: "You may join us for ice cream as soon as your rooom is clean."

CONCLUSION

Love and Logic ideas may seem overwhelming. There’s much to remember: thinking words, separation of problems, choices, empathy with the consequences. It’s enough to exasperate anyone unschooled in the Love and Logic style -- that is, were they to try to apply it all at once.

So if Love and Logic is brand-new to you, implement it a little at a time. Pick one thing that bothers you about your child’s behavior -- one thing that you think you would have good success of correcting with Love and Logic principles -- and then work on it with one principle you have learned from this book.

Even if our kids are in their teens and have never been exposed to Love and Logic discipline, they -- and we -- can benefit from our putting it to use. The important thing is to build a relationship with our kids that will last a lifetime -- long past the end of their adolescent years. And it is never too late to work on that.

Our children are our most precious resource. They come to us with one request: “During our short eighteen years with you, please teach us the truth about life and prepare us to be responsible adults when we leave home and enter the real world.”

Trust

"When a train goes through a tunnel and it gets dark, you don't throw away the ticket and jump off.  You sit still and trust the engineer."  ~ Corrie Ten Boom

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not into your own understanding; in all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths." ~ Proverbs 3:5-6

Exercise Walk turned near catastrophic

I'm into my 3rd week on Terceira Island and adjusting to life here - as in, "okay, I'm not on vacation.  I actually live here and they've made me part of their family, truly, authentically."  The other night I was up very late, doing some research for my writing.  It was a cool night, but warm enough that I went out on the 3rd floor balcony in my tee shirt and pj shorts to look @ the stars and listen to the ocean.  For a few moments it sunk in that I was living here and how much my niece and her family have made me a part of them and I felt truly happy and hopeful.  Feelings that have eluded me for some time now - at least for myself.  My boys always provided those things, but I have not experienced them on more than a surface level for just me, in a very long time.  I dare say I won't forget those moments gleaned in the middle of the night so far away from everything I've known.
During our check-in over the weekend, Wendi and I decided that I need @ least one full day off each week.  And I need to get to a place where I can take off in the car and go somewhere by myself or with the dog...soon.  I affectionately refer to the house and yard as the compound and in the last 2 weeks haven't left the compound more than once a week - and that's not enough.  I've only gone to base or taken a couple excursions with the family and I look forward to discovering more of the island on my own.  Base is where the Commissary is and the BX (miniscule version of KMart), post office, library, etc.  I haven't met any people my age - but have met Wendi's friends with their little ones more than once.  From what I can tell, the military here consists of young military families - ranging from age 19-35.  The only people I've seen my age are Portuguese and non-military - mostly nanny's and housekeepers.  Identity crisis - hmm, yeah a little bit.  But nothing I haven't already experienced in small town, Petoskey Michigan.
Last weekend, we had to go to Base for something, then stopped in Porta la Victoria and enjoyed a restaurant lunch.

It was a gorgeous day and I took the kids from the restaurant to walk on the boardwalk and down to a sandy swingset and monkey bars, so that Wendy & John could finish their lunch in peace.

I didn't realize it, but yesterday was the 1st day I wore anything other than black or grey since my arrival here.  We'd gone to the Library and while the kids did story hour, I browsed for a good read.  From there we drove out to the industrial district and along the drive, this is what I see:

The kids took long naps and it was a cool sunny day, so I went out to the garden to play with the kids and the dog.  It was a nice afternoon:

Today was laundry, dishes, nap duty, throwing frisbee w/Scrubs in the yard and I was able to get caught up on a little writing.  Feeling a little cabin crazy, I grabbed my walking shoes, the dogs leash and piled the baby and 3 yr. old, Sidge into the stroller for a mile walk along the ocean front.  We found ourselves @ the end of the walk @ this wonderful little corner of the Island.  There was a small family - well, 4 fishermen, a little girl and a very PG lady and 3 dogs.  I let Sidge and Abigail out of stroller to walk along a rocky area with quiet water.  We watched some fishermen scale, gut and clean fresh fish for awhile and then sauntered back to the stroller to make our way back home.  There came upon us a dog that was growly and pacing I felt, a little too aggressively around Scrubs.  Scrubs is great w/all dogs, unless pushed w/an aggressive dog, he will hold his own.  So...I'm trying to keep this aggressive dog @ bay to just get the kids in the stroller w/out a dog fight ensuing, when Abigail decided to take too big of a stair climb down....she fell and actually slid a little...on her face.  Blood, everywhere and I'm comforting her, still trying to keep the dogs from fighting and wipe away the blood to see how bad it really was, when I hear Sidge's high pitched SCREAM!...and I whip around to observe him slowly sliding down the seaweed laden boat ramp toward the ocean.  I have Scrubs on the leash, the aggressive dog trailing him and a bloody faced Abigail on my hip, walking to Sidge thinking, "HOW am I going to get him w/out falling and sliding down the seaweed into the ocean myself.", but saying, "Sidge, do not move. Just do NOT move."  He did such a good job, frozen and his screams stopped.  A Portuguese man had seen the whole thing and said something to me, while making his way to Sidge, gesturing with his hands for me to stay and it's okay that he gets him - he does not proceed until I gesture and say, "Yes! Go get him!"  Oh thank God...he pulled him up gently, did not slip himself, stood them there for a moment to be sure he was fine and slowly brought him toward me, "Obrigada!  Obrigada Senor!"  I used my shirt to clean the blood off Abigail's face thinking to myself, "it's not so bad @ all, but the initial blood all over her face will freak Wendi right out if that's how we return into the yard from our walk."  She asked with a smile on her face, "What happened?"  My answer? "We learned things on our walk is what happened, that's all."  I remembered the scabbed/skinned nose/lip on Abigail when I first arrived here. It happens with little kids.  I remember a skinned face or 2 when mine were little.  I call them learning moments!  And we did learn some things - Sidge will never do that again and when he sees any green on the rocks, those rocks he shan't walk or climb on.  Abigail may be less inclined to run for the stroller next time I say, "Who wants to go for a walk?" and me - I learned...uhm, do not take Abigail out of the stroller to walk around that area and if aggressive dog continues following Scrubby's butt, let Scrubby go and get rid of aggressive dog himself!
2 more sleeps and Joni comes from Ft. Lauderdale Florida for 2 weeks - hey, she's my age - and I know her from visiting my sister years gone by - we'll all have a blast.  It'll be great to have her with us.  As well there are some places that John and Wendi would like to discover on the Island that have been awaiting Joni's arrival.  3 babies, 1 large dog, and 4 adults.  This is what the compound is for!  Ciao!

Week 2 Overview

I've been here now just shy of the 2 week mark.  Someone asked me today, what is your favorite part?  I was surprised to hear myself say, "Actually, the kids are!"  Who knew?  Certainly not I...or probably my family.  My absolute favorite portion of life was raising my boys.  Especially as I observe Wendi and John's parenting, I certainly was not the greatest @ it.  None of us are.  I have regrets - some are pretty deep and I have to forgive myself for them.  But for the most part my memories of those days bring smiles to my heart of such FUN we had; watching my boys grow and learn and discover.  I believe they were given a great gift of being raised Northern, MI - moving there when they were ages 7 & 4.  Where life consisted of outdoor hikes, biking along the bayfront, digging in the dirt, 4 wheeling, snowmobiling, snow skiing/boarding as opposed to navigating the concrete jungle of NW Indiana.  And my life consisted of the same w/them and keeping up the house and the large yard we had.  Fast forward to now where I'm contributing to the lives of 2 boys, ages 3 & 4 w/1yr old Abigail, who live on an Island in Portugal called Terceira and playing on the Pirate ship their paternal grandpa built for the, riding bikes, going on excursions w/their mom's MOPS group (Thurs. mornings), Awana's ( Mon. nights), library story hour on Wed's, learning their ABC's and Bible memory verses as they play @ home.  My contribution here consists of keeping up on laundry and dishes, keeping the house picked up (2 floors w/2 other adults & 3 kids / 3rd floor, just me).  Other than that, from 1-7p M-F, I am an extra set of eyes, ears and hands for said children....and Mr Scrubby, their 4 yr. old Dalmation who definitely needs one-on-one frisbee or rings time each day.

This is Sir Isaac, age 4.  He is quiet and peaceful.  He is very private and expresses his acceptance of me almost secretively when there is lots happening around us - I will secretly hold out my hand and he will secretly place his hand in mine and hold it for several minutes, or I'll feel a little ones hands wrap around the back of my leg - if I look @ him (when nobody's paying attention), we exchange a smile and that's kind of our "language" of affection.  When the rest of the family is going downstairs and I'm up on the 2nd or 3rd floor, he sometimes prefers to stay w/me where he/we quietly play w/toys, but few words.  And he laughs outloud when I sing, "Because, because, because, BECAUSE - because of the wonderful things he does!".  He calls me Aunt Twonnie.

This is Mr. Sidge (real name Elijah, but insists on Sidge (what Isaac called him before he could pronounce Elijah).  He is a very passionate age 3 - goes from 0 to 10 of any given emotion very quickly.  He was immediate and open w/his affectionate hugs and always, "I'm so glad Auntie Connie is w/us (living, going with on an excursion, etc. etc.), b'cuz I love her!"  He reminds me of Tigger in the Winnie The Pooh series - bouncey, happy, always moving fast.

This is little miss Abigail.  She watched me for nearly a week...touched me here and there, smiled or laughed w/me.  By yesterday or the day before, she dove from Wendi's arms to mine!  We have our own "thing" - no matter what's going on, initiated by either one of us, we just stop and point @ each other...and lots of grins ensue.  She is the spittin' image, personality wise of Wendi when she was a toddler - pretty much commands whatever room she walks into.  Her mommie is still that way and it's delightful!  Once you've made it into her club, she is very cuddly and so engaging and funny.  She doesn't have her words yet, other than Mama and Dada - but has sign language of "please" "more" and "all done".  Keep her fed and entertained and everything's right with the world - you don't and everything's wrong.  That's just the way it is!

So today, I'm technically "off".  Because of that, I stayed up until 2A organizing my writing and slept until 11:15A!  John is home sick and Wendi is gone to a bday party w/all 3 kids.  I've picked up the house, gotten on top of dishes and running a 2nd load of laundry.  I love that all laundry gets hung out on clothes lines here.  Everyone has them.  There is a dryer, but why use it when it's not raining.  Things should dry quickly today as the winds from Hurricane Nadine making a whispering pass again 2 nights ago, are still with us.  But the sun is out and the temperature is very mild.  I've rarely worn anything but flip-flops or sandals on my feet since my arrival.  uh-oh, I hear little voices coming 'round the corner.  Gotta run.

Hurray for Ron Bell's book Love Wins!

I finished the book LOVE WINS, by Ron Bell.  I am sharing from just the forward and the very last page.  I’m reading it again...immediately.  It is less than 200 pages, but packed a powerful punch for me.  I hope one day my boys will read it because wow....- it’s simply the real deal.  Unfortunately a lot of their experience of Christianity was mostly church and it’s pastors and members arguing about how to worship, read and learn Christ and the Bible and people vying for power in the church hierarchies.  Most of them had the best of intentions, and while I believe that churches do reach and help people for their cause, their humanities of pride and prejudice can wound and actually orchestrate others to walk away from having anything to do with it.  Below is just some of the beginning and the end, that put words to my feelings.  I can’t recommend it enough:

I believe that Jesus’ story is first and foremost about the love of God for every single one of us.  It is a stunning, beautiful, expansive love and it is for everybody, everywhere.

That’s the story.

“For God so loved the world...”

That’s why Jesus came.

That’s His message.

That’s where the life is found.

I am acutely aware that Jesus’ story has been hijacked by a # of other stories, stories Jesus isn’t interested in telling, because they have nothing to do with what He came to do.  The plot has been lost and it’s time to reclaim it.

This love compels us to question some of the dominant stories that are being told as the Jesus story.  A staggering # of pp h/b taught that a select few Christians will spend forever in a peaceful, joyous place called heaven, while the rest of humanity spends forever in torment and punishment in hell w/no chance for anything better.  It’s been clearly communicated to many that this belief is a central truth of the Christian faith and to reject it is, in essence, to reject Jesus.  This is misguided and toxic and ultimately subverts the contagious spread of Jesus’ message of love, peace, forgiveness and joy.

2ndly, the kind of faith Jesus invites us into doesn’t skirt the big questions about topics like God and Jesus and salvation and judgment and heaven and hell, but takes us deep into the heart of them.

Many have these questions.

Christians.

people who aren’t Christians,

people who were Christians, but can’t do it anymore because of questions about these very topics,

people who think Christians are delusional and profoundly misguided.

pastors, leaders, preachers, counselors, etc. etc.

I believe the discussion itself is divine.  Abraham does his best to bargain with God, most of the book of Job consists of arguments by Job and his friends about the deepest questions of human suffering, God is practically on trial in the poems of Lamentations, and Jesus responds to almost every question He’s asked with...a question:  “What do you think?  How do you read it?” He asks over and over again.

The ancient sages said the words of the sacred text were red and black letters on a white page--there’s all that white space, waiting to be filled with our responses and discussions and debates and opinions and longings and desires and wisdom and insights.  We read the words and then enter into the discussion that has been going on for thousands of years across cultures and continents.

The great thing about God and Jesus is that there is no question that Jesus cannot handle, no discussion too volatile, no issue too dangerous.  At the same time, some issues aren’t as big as people have made them.  Much blood has been spilled in church splits, heresy trials and raging debates over issues that are, in the end, not that essential.  Sometimes what we we are witnessing is simply a massive exercise in missing the point.  Jesus frees us to call things what they are.

Nothing in this book hasn’t been taught, suggested or celebrated by many before Ron Bell.  He hasn’t come up with a radical new teaching that’s any kind of departure from what’s been said an untold # of times.  That’s the beauty of the historic, orthodox Christian faith.  It’s a deep, wide, diverse stream that’s been flowing for thousands of years, carrying a staggering variety of voices, perspectives and experiences.  

If his book, then does nothing more than introduce us to the ancient, ongoing discussion surrounding the resurrected Jesus in all its vibrant, diverse, messy, multi-voiced complexity?  Awesome!

May we experience this vast,

expansive, infinite, indestructible love

that has been ours all along.

To discover that this love is as wide 

as the sky and as small as the cracks in 

our hearts that no one else knows about.