Wendi told me that she very rarely ever got sick...couldn't remember the last time she had vomited, etc. I dove right in and adjusted to the extreme change in lifestyle: I had raised my children, and was maintaining my Professional Organizing business part-time, while working as an Ad Assistant @ the local newspaper, coming home to my quiet house, with my quiet dog and my quiet 18 year old son. I'd take long walks along the beach, hike the woods, take early morning exercise walks in the Winter snows of Petoskey and hoped my roof and 99 Jeep Cherokee would last another year. I was a home-owner, a mother and dog-owner. I loved finding ways to decorate my house, mixing modern with antique aesthetics via consignment and cheap antique shops in my area and Grand Rapids. My eldest was beginning his Sophomore year @ Kendall School of Art & Design, Colin and I were grieving the end of our era with the Petoskey Marching Band. I had been a single mother for 7 years, having successfully dealt with a 14 month fight from foreclosure, having to take horrid part-time jobs for supplemental income after the economic crash, a couple of surgeries for Colin @ UofM, a carbon monoxide leak and old furnace dying....in one December, the week b4 Christmas. I had kept my riding lawn mower going, tended my own flower gardens and kept a pretty yard on 3/4 acre of my own property. I had a cat for mousing and saved up to keep that old Jeep chugging along. And by February 2013, I find myself living in a 3rd floor "apartment" with low ceilings and low closets, and being careful not to get up too fast when using the loo, so as not to bump my head; keeping Damp Rid buckets filled due to the incessant humidity, taking a shower 2 floors down, doing other peoples laundry and dishes, living near a small military base where the average age is 35 young marrieds with small children. I have no home of my own to decorate or clean, no yard to maintain, no groceries to buy, no sons to mother, no dog to master. My niece has been ill with migraines, Oct.-Nov., then insomnia/anxiety/ depression/panic attacks Nov. to early January; she took a 3 day trip to Germany for a special ultrasound in late November, meaning I successfully took care of the 3 children full time for 3 days until John came home from work.
I found their 3 week trip December trip to the US to be a very good break for me - just to pause a moment, catch my breath per se from a drastic lifestyle change in 3 months. I felt like I was adjusting well and I had no complaints, but it felt good to have a lot of my own space again, feed myself and the dog, do my own dishes, my own laundry, get to know Carla on my own better and clean up after my own self for a couple of weeks. I was just as happy to welcome them home on December 30th.
Wendi had been struggling with insomnia/anxiety/depression prior to their trip, but triggered by a terrible jet lag from an overnight lay-over on their way home, within a week, her condition deteriorated drastically. Then, just 2 weeks later, we found out why!, that her IVF transfer had been successful and she was pregnant with baby #4. This was great news, but what came with it, and since the beginning of January, has been very severe nausea with her now 11 week pregnancy. I have been both weary and inspired as I walk alongside her daily struggle during this time. In my personal world, I was beginning to feel the strain of having nobody over the age of 45 to have a conversation with; gaining acquaintances only through Wendi's activities, surrounded by young children and wonderful girls, but all Wendi's people. I missed MY people, MY home, MY dishes, MY dog, MY yard, MY cat, MY children, MY car, MY lawn mower, MY bed, MY bathroom....When my niece came up one day with the first light I'd seen in her eyes in a month, telling me they'd found a way not to send me out of the country to extend my visa through @ least June, maybe even to September, I felt a very odd sensation that I was watching her lips move, seeing a rare light in her eyes, but couldn't hear more than something that sounded like the teacher in Charlie Brown cartoons.
I am very flexible and I have found John and Wendi to be the same. This is the perfect situation and I couldn't imagine living so well with ANYone else. I had a great schedule, averaging, for the most part 1-7p, 5 days a week. While no money changes hands, my living, eating and transportation is taken care of while I give 30-45 hours a week to their needs. As well, beginning in November, I had successfully cultivated a steady stream of Professional Organizing and Pet Sitting work of my own. Besides loving the work, it has garnered my ability to save almost enough money to fly my boys here for a visit during Casey's college Spring break to look forward to. In the midst of my bout with homesickness and CareGiver burnout, while painful, gifted me with the voice and the wherewithal to merge being a family's helpmate without losing myself in that process. To not let the fact of being sensitive to Wendi's various forms of illness, stop me from finding my own value just as important. I found a woman in her early 60's to confidentially bounce things off of as part of the support for military families offered on base. I realized that I had made a decision 5 months ago - I needed to find a way to keep a strong sense of myself, while working within the parameters of someone else's life, and that any other needs I had of my own simply needed to be set aside for this time. I did not realize that I needed my own people and my own life within a much smaller scope of a lifestyle. I realized that I had, in fact, developed my own business here; I had, in fact cultivated my own relationships. And it is not something I need to feel guilty about that I need to relate to adults outside of small children, but rather quite normal as I am at a very different place in my life, and none is better than the other, just different. Just like my surroundings, I find this Island to be every bit AS beautiful as Petoskey, MI, just different. I don't think it's more beautiful here or there - rather different kinds of beautiful. I realized that as much as I needed the break in December, I needed that break in March. This says nothing against the wonderful and fun family with whom I live, rather that though they are my family, we are separate and we are @ different places in life. Just as they have each other to make wise decisions, I need people in my own age bracket and life experiences by which to make wise decisions for my life. I am grateful that we have maintained both the commitment and the maturity to communicate openly and realistically - that my need to take care of myself and get away by myself every 3 months or so has nothing @ all to do with them. I found myself so conflicted because nothing was wrong and it has been my privilege to walk alongside this family during the most vulnerable, difficult time in their lives as individuals, marriage and family (self proclaimed). Their trust has humbled me and even in the week when all 6 of us sat in puke and diarrhea in a bout with a 48 hour flu, each of us in staggered stages, I said with sincerity, "...there's no place (other than w/my boys) I would rather be, or with whom I'd rather be." I call Wendi a brave soldier, Godly wife and mother; John, such a demonstration of what a Godly man, father and husband looks like and through the muck of Wendi's illness' and maybe because of them, have fallen hook, line and sinker in love with these 3 children. And then there's Scrubby, my 80# Dalmation companion, that is the frosting on the cake of this family. At the same time, I felt like I was scrambling to keep ME.
I spoke w/John & Wendi about the very real necessity for the trip out of the EU in March, as opposed to using the loop hole - that the day-to-day reality was very different than our initial agreement of, "You need an adventure and we need help!", thereby clarifying the initial agreement. And, the humor throughout has never faltered. While Wendi's brain was switching gears, John retorted, "Look Wendi, the deal was, to get Aunt Connie here, suck the life out of her for a year and send her home." Initially, it was stated that I would have no other choice, but to leave altogether after a year. But, 5 months later, Wendi has no memory of where that information came from and they were curious if I would consider returning after the baby is born. They weren't officially asking me, but having no solid commitment from his parents and coinciding with the culmination of my year commitment here, they needed to know their options. I knew for certain, that I would not, for 2 reasons: #1-Upon the arrival of baby #4, the helpmate role would change to a Nanny position and though I love the 3 children here, I am more comfortable with the current arrangement as house-help, on-call babysitter and assisting w/the kids. #2-I know for sure, I don't want to be so far from my sons for longer than 1 year. Since that conversation, John's parents have committed to coming in August or September 2013 and my trip is booked for Morocco from March 21st - 24th. And we are all excited for them and me! Below is what I look forward to: a driver from the hostel-like hotel will pick me up @ the airport, holding up a sign.
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| They will have a dinner waiting for me, that could look something like this. |
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| My view will be something like this |
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| and my room should be exactly like this! |
Decisions that I could not have known prior, have been made. Things I know now, that I could not have otherwise known. That if you stay open, time teaches and heals and that the people you meet along the way are our great teachers. That letting go of people and things can be more scary and difficult than I realized, every bit as much, more freeing and open than I could have imagined. It brings with it a much deeper understanding to my work as much as to my life. I wonder @ times how hard it must be for Wendi, being the woman of this house, realizing the power that has gets taken over by someone else, albeit necessary. She's just trying to feel better, to engage with her children, be a good wife, maintain her own friendships, yet in her suffering has lost a lot of power that comes with her role as the woman of the household - I'm not sure it's something she considered in the equation asking for help, but has admitted to me, is hard.
So, here I am on a quiet Sunday, in this quiet house of someone else's dogs, I sit watching the derelict waves of the ocean on a windy, humid, grey day (general Winter weather on Terceira Island) just @ rest. Happy it's not raining again, happy I have my laundry done and no other responsibilities. Happy to clean up from last night's fun with the girls. And, best of all, maybe I'll get in a chat with Casey tonight.
Beyond this, Joanie (Isaac's biological grandma) has booked her tickets for 10 days with us in April, arriving just the same day of John's return from a 4 day training in Texas. My boys will be coming here for 7-10 days in early May - yes BOTH of them! Then George & Diane - my eldest sister/Wendi's mom & dad, will coming for a visit in June. Wendi's baby is due mid September for which she will be going to Germany to deliver. I don't understand it all, but from what I do understand, she will go to Germany to stork-nest with the 3 kids with either my help or John's folks' help. John will join them closer to the birth and then they await the new baby's passport, before their return to Terceira Island with their new helpmates x2 - Grandpa & Grandma Kitsteiner!
As for me, I only know for certain that I will leave for good, either from here or from Germany to the USA. I don't know how or where or anything that goes along with it - I just know that I need some time with my sons and my Bleu. Only God knows where I will live or how I will get around. I'm not concerned. I am coming more and more from a foundation of gratitude and knowing that trusting, also requires participation. Maybe that is one of the lessons I am here to have learned, along with, @ this stage of my life, learning my value. Seeing the teachers from my past and present, noticing the truer value in things like, enjoyment, fulfillment, how integral to my being is regular laughter, and living the processes from one end to another strengthens my resolve toward bright hope for my future. And along the way, I have some great gifts that I did not have just 5 months ago - things like a healthy extended family; like knowing new friends that I will now know the rest of my life and some probably see again. Things that once mattered a great deal to me, just don't anymore - I used to care about what vehicle I drove, now I'm just happy to drive! I used to care about what my house and room looked like - now I'm just happy to have a place to live. And there also remain the idiosyncratic things about myself, that if I ever do have a kitchen of my own again, it will be an open kitchen void of a center table or island. And I know for sure that, though it can be disconcerting to, like these military families, have no control where you live, I am more adaptable than I thought I was. That:
