Connie's Miraculous Adventures

I called my youngest son Colin last night, needing to hear his voice.  I am hoping that by next week we will be able to Skype.  He warned me first, "I have some sad news mom and it's not about Bleu."  Me: "Okay good.  But what?"  Colin:  "The cat was hit by a car - I found her by the mailbox this morning.  I placed her back by the tree to bury her."  My mind reeled for a moment, "What?! Why?", thinking it must be because we'd all left and he didn't return home for a week.  She is....was, an indoor/outdoor cat and she had a routine - outside in the evening to keep the rodents at bay, then in for the day to sleep, have her saucer of milk between 4-5pm and out for the night.  It's been that way for 2 years!  I've left her for a long weekend, but never a week, but then I always came home.  This time I didn't come home.  I'm so sad.  Colin didn't care for her one way or the other, but I do believe he will miss her presence when the mice spread the news that there's no more kitty prowling around.  Then I realized that there is no explanation, it's just a risk we took having a cat out to roam.  In addition, I am grateful I wasn't there to find her.  I'm glad that my last memory of her was curled up on her favorite counter chair, purring when I'd stop to scratch her neck.
Colin also told me that Bleu is sad and not eating, but that had Bleu the ability and demeanor, he would have done cartwheels when Colin picked him up from Ray and Wendy's on Friday.  My last month home, I swore Bleu knew something big was about to happen, for which he would not be included.  The house was echoing and boxes were being packed, but then we'd go for a walk, so everything was good!  I dropped him off to my trusted and dear friends Wendy & Ray to be cared for while I left and Colin had his U of M annual appointment only a few days later.  I can imagine his confusing thoughts, "Okay, so Colin picked me up.  I'm home.  But mom's not here and the rooms are all changed around and there is unfamiliar furniture and smells coming in the house.  Will she be back?  I KNEW something was going on.  I KNEW I felt her sadness of and on for the last few months.  Just tell me she'll be back and I'll adjust.  Why would she ever leave me at all?"
I probably should be downstairs, helping Wendi wrangle kids while John is cooking, but for a moment it's too much work to blink back my tears.  I'll go down in a minute.  My emotions are bothersome to me because when I'm alone and I have time to just get it all out, my tear ducts dry up like a desert!  But when I'm walking down a street or need to be around people, things suddenly hit me and there come the tears!  I received the news last night and I went up to bed.  I tried to think about it, but "it" just wouldn't compute...or something.  But today, when there's 3 little kids around and my niece needs help, I'm weepy.  Really?  So this is what I do.  I give myself permission to take 10 minutes to feel it a little and then visualize in my head to set it aside and I will pick it up later at a more appropriate time.
On a side note, when I hugged my boys and Carly goodbye @ the airport, none of us cried.  I had suspected that I would cry the entire flight from GR to Chgo - nothing.  I still haven't cried and I know myself well enough to know, that...those tears are going to come.  I just don't know when or where I'll be.  Just as long as I don't scare the children :)!